fear. anger. jealousy. regret. terror.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.

Last month I felt a lump on my throat. Immediately I was concerned, emotional and scared. I went to my doctor, she did some blood work and reassured me it was probably just a cyst. All my blood work was great- I shouldn't be loosing sleep and stressing over it. I felt a little better after talking with her. I was praying a lot and finding comfort in my family and friends. My fears began to subside a bit. Then I received a call from my doctor, I needed to have an ultrasound done. They were concerned because the lump seemed to move and change size. I was beginning to get nervous again. I remember sitting in the waiting room hoping that the ultrasound would show nothing, it was just a bump. Nothing serious, nothing at all. During the ultrasound I asked the technician if he knew what it was. He didn't know, the ultrasound would be sent to a doctor to be reviewed.

It was 3 days before I got the call from a nurse. The lump was not a cyst, it was a nodule located on my thyroid. I needed to have a biopsy. I think it's obvious to everyone where my mind went... cancer.

So now I have to wait to have a biopsy... to find out what is going on. My fear is coming back. I look at my son and my stomach drops. Trying not to imagine all the things I could miss if the worse happens. First day of school, watching his sporting events, taking summer vacations, graduation. The small moments. Cuddling watching cartoons in the mornings, playing with his cars, listening to his laugh, watching his excitement grow knowing that something fun is about to happen. All these things I would miss. How would it affect him? What if this is the worse thing? What if I get sick and it drags on? What if he has to see that happen?

There are so many different feelings I have. It scares me the things I think about.

Jealousy. Jealousy that if this does take me away that my husband would remarry. Someone else could make him happier than I did. Someone else would raise my child. Would they be able to do more for him than I could? They would have all those special moments and times that I wanted. Would they miss me? Would my son forget about me? Would whoever takes my place help him to remember me? Would all my wishes for him happen? Will this person be sure my family will always be important and a large part of his life?

Anger. Anger that this is happening to me. There are so many horrible, terrible people in the world. Why would this happen to me and not them? I feel like I'm being punished.

Regret. All of the stupid things I've stressed over that weren't important. I wasted so much time on ridiculous things that meant nothing. They were not important. My family is important, life, being happy... these are what are important to me. I wasted so much time on things and not enough time on the important factors in my life. So this week I'm spending everyday making sure my son knows happiness. Before I get the results of the biopsy. Pure, innocent fun.

Maybe I'm over reacting. It's possible that what I have is nothing. But I'm not taking my chances of missing out on the opportunity of having fun with CJ. My Little Man. My reason for fighting.

Let go and break free

Somewhere in the world today someone lost someone they loved. Their world will never be the same, they are heart broken and inconsolable. I recently learned of a couple who lost their baby after delivering early. I can't even begin to fathom the pain they are feeling. After learning of this loss my mind went to my family. We don't know how long we are going to be graced with each other, with those we love. It could be tomorrow we are forced to say good-bye or it could be years from today. While I don't like to think about these types of things it really made me consider the things I have done, and will do today because tomorrow is not promised at all. Did I tell everyone that is special to me thank you for being in my life? Did I tell my friends that they have all impacted me in ways I can't even begin to describe? Did I sit with my dogs and just pet them and tell them they bring me joy? Have I called my parents and told them I love them and am grateful for everything they've done for me? Did I take an extra 5 or 10 minutes to just study my son's face? It changes everyday. Did I do something special with him because he wanted to? The answer is no, not today. And that answer breaks my heart. They say never give up and always strive for more. I believe these are great words to live by. But I also believe the lines have been blurred somewhere along the road. Never giving up is great until you are constantly stressed about something that it wears you to the bone and you've forgotten why you were reaching for that something to begin with. Why are we all so wired for stress? I see these people, they are so laid back and they could have the world falling apart under their feet and they are still smiling happy and care free. How do they do it? I'm envious. That is the type of person I want to be. It's who I strive to be. But then something happens and I begin to stress and worry, and then life happens. Cooking, cleaning, running errands. Then I'm exhausted by the end of the day. Then I lay in bed and think of all the things I should have done that day instead of worrying about making sure the laundry was done or making sure dinner was ready at a certain time. And then I promise myself the next day will be different. I will slow down, not let the stress of my life get to me and just enjoy the day. Then I wake up and have a million things going through my mind and rush around and forget all of those promises I had just made to myself. It's a pattern and I don't know how to break it. I think alot of people have this problem. Sometime's when I'm busy doing something Little Man will come up to me and say he wants to do something like go to the park. And I'll reply with "Not right now kiddo, Mommy's busy". To which he reply's "CJ go to park tomorrow?". So now I'm left to wonder how many time's I've promised him that tomorrow we will do something because today we are busy. What if we never got that tomorrow? Life happens too fast. We need to stop saying maybe tomorrow and start doing things now. Start enjoying our lives. Screw the dishes, screw the laundry, screw the bills for now. Screw the stress. Take a sick day when your not just to lay in bed with your spouse and talk. Take a road trip with your family. Enjoy the company of an old friend. Spend a day with your parents. Take your dog for a walk. Take the only 5 dollars you have to your name and let your kid spend it on candy. ENJOY LIFE. LET GO OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN WIRED TO THINK WE NEED AND BREAK FREE FROM IT! Tomorrow may not come so let's stop being consumed by what the main stream is telling us. Bigger, better, faster. I say we need to realize how small we are in this huge world. I say we don't need better because we are already surviving on the best we have. I say screw the faster because I want to see things as they are happening, not buzzing by me so fast I didn't have a chance to check it out. Still go for your dreams and keep trying if you fail. Don't let it consume you though. And it's okay to want more but don't spend your whole life chasing after something just because someone told you it was what you are supposed to have. Do it because you want to. I am taking a personal pledge. To say screw you stress. Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not, then it is not the end. Press on and be happy. I want to be that person who when the world begins to crumble at my feet I just get up and shuffle to a different spot with a smile on my face. I want all of my today's to be awesome. I know this will be a difficult thing to do, I have a habit of letting myself get caught up in the stress of a situation and then dwell on it. But from here out I'm going to try with all my might to stop. Because this could be our last today.