Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The best week ever

After my last post Fear. Anger. Jealousy. Regret I vowed to have the best week ever with my Little Man before my biopsy Friday. I am happy to say that every day so far has been wonderful, filled with fun and lasting memories. 

Monday we started out by going to Chuck E Cheese with some tokens we had stashed away. Had lunch and an ice cream then after dinner went to the dollar theater and saw 'The Lorax'. It was a great movie and had an incredible message. One of the quotes will stay with me forever. 

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”

― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

I know that C.J. is too young to even begin to understand the meaning behind that quote but I will recite it often to him. 

Tuesday we took the light rail train into uptown and went to ImaginOn. It's a huge library with lots of activities for kids- and it's free. I can't believe we hadn't gone before, but we will go back. C.J. had so much fun riding the light rail and can't wait to do it again. Then we had lunch at my parents house. Little Man came across a dollar and used it to get some M&M's. 

Today the morning started out stormy and yucky. So some great friends invited us as guests to go to the indoor pool at the Y. We had so much fun, and eventually the skies cleared up enough for some fun in the outdoor pool. 

We have plans for tomorrow that I'm hoping will pan out.

As I was reading him a book before bed I completely lost it. I don't know what came over me and attempted to compose myself but couldn't. The tears would not stop. I don't know how I became so lucky to have brought such an amazing person into this world. His infancy, I took for granted and I regret that. All those sleepless nights filled with feedings, those days when nothing went right- I just wished they would be over so fast and they were, but along with everything else. It went by so fast and I wont get any of those moments back. I can close my eyes and see a small baby, so warm and sweet and trusting asleep in my arms and I open them and see a living room cluttered with cars and super heroes. Where have the last two years gone? If you are reading this and have a new born, or are expecting or are planning on becoming a parent please take this advice. Cherish it all. The constant feedings, the sleep training, the puke, the diaper blow outs. Everything that you think sucks, and as much as it does, don't wish it away so fast. Because it's going to be gone in the blink of an eye. 

I'm so proud of the Little Man that my baby has become. He's brave and curious and smart. He is going to do wonderful things in this world and leave it better than when he came into it. I just pray that I will get to see all of the amazing things to come in his life. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

fear. anger. jealousy. regret. terror.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.

Last month I felt a lump on my throat. Immediately I was concerned, emotional and scared. I went to my doctor, she did some blood work and reassured me it was probably just a cyst. All my blood work was great- I shouldn't be loosing sleep and stressing over it. I felt a little better after talking with her. I was praying a lot and finding comfort in my family and friends. My fears began to subside a bit. Then I received a call from my doctor, I needed to have an ultrasound done. They were concerned because the lump seemed to move and change size. I was beginning to get nervous again. I remember sitting in the waiting room hoping that the ultrasound would show nothing, it was just a bump. Nothing serious, nothing at all. During the ultrasound I asked the technician if he knew what it was. He didn't know, the ultrasound would be sent to a doctor to be reviewed.

It was 3 days before I got the call from a nurse. The lump was not a cyst, it was a nodule located on my thyroid. I needed to have a biopsy. I think it's obvious to everyone where my mind went... cancer.

So now I have to wait to have a biopsy... to find out what is going on. My fear is coming back. I look at my son and my stomach drops. Trying not to imagine all the things I could miss if the worse happens. First day of school, watching his sporting events, taking summer vacations, graduation. The small moments. Cuddling watching cartoons in the mornings, playing with his cars, listening to his laugh, watching his excitement grow knowing that something fun is about to happen. All these things I would miss. How would it affect him? What if this is the worse thing? What if I get sick and it drags on? What if he has to see that happen?

There are so many different feelings I have. It scares me the things I think about.

Jealousy. Jealousy that if this does take me away that my husband would remarry. Someone else could make him happier than I did. Someone else would raise my child. Would they be able to do more for him than I could? They would have all those special moments and times that I wanted. Would they miss me? Would my son forget about me? Would whoever takes my place help him to remember me? Would all my wishes for him happen? Will this person be sure my family will always be important and a large part of his life?

Anger. Anger that this is happening to me. There are so many horrible, terrible people in the world. Why would this happen to me and not them? I feel like I'm being punished.

Regret. All of the stupid things I've stressed over that weren't important. I wasted so much time on ridiculous things that meant nothing. They were not important. My family is important, life, being happy... these are what are important to me. I wasted so much time on things and not enough time on the important factors in my life. So this week I'm spending everyday making sure my son knows happiness. Before I get the results of the biopsy. Pure, innocent fun.

Maybe I'm over reacting. It's possible that what I have is nothing. But I'm not taking my chances of missing out on the opportunity of having fun with CJ. My Little Man. My reason for fighting.