Monday, September 10, 2012

Days go by...

Since all health scares my way have been put on hold for now the normal routine has come back into play. Months, days and seconds go by with the quickness of an intake of a breath and you are left wondering how you got to today. Yesterday is just a blur and you try to envision tomorrow. I remember trying to envision what Little Man would look like going off to preschool. How excited he would be, if he would be nervous or  the best way to prepare him for being in the care of someone else. I tried to picture all these things but when they actually happen it's so different. 

Little Man started preschool last week. I did not get emotional like I always thought I would. I think that will happen when he starts kindergarten. His nerves only lasted the amount of time it took to walk from the car to the doors of the school and he saw the surprise welcome of a bubble machine. I let go of his hand once we reached the sidewalk for the school and let him walk ahead a few steps. My Little Man, with his Spiderman backpack and new school shoes. He looked so much older than he really was. 

It was such a roller coaster ride trying to decide yes or no on preschool for C.J. It was such a large expense but we knew that it would be a wonderful start to his education and getting him socialized. So we will take it month by month and keep our fingers crossed for the best for our little family. 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The best week ever

After my last post Fear. Anger. Jealousy. Regret I vowed to have the best week ever with my Little Man before my biopsy Friday. I am happy to say that every day so far has been wonderful, filled with fun and lasting memories. 

Monday we started out by going to Chuck E Cheese with some tokens we had stashed away. Had lunch and an ice cream then after dinner went to the dollar theater and saw 'The Lorax'. It was a great movie and had an incredible message. One of the quotes will stay with me forever. 

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,

Nothing is going to get better. It's not.”

― Dr. SeussThe Lorax

I know that C.J. is too young to even begin to understand the meaning behind that quote but I will recite it often to him. 

Tuesday we took the light rail train into uptown and went to ImaginOn. It's a huge library with lots of activities for kids- and it's free. I can't believe we hadn't gone before, but we will go back. C.J. had so much fun riding the light rail and can't wait to do it again. Then we had lunch at my parents house. Little Man came across a dollar and used it to get some M&M's. 

Today the morning started out stormy and yucky. So some great friends invited us as guests to go to the indoor pool at the Y. We had so much fun, and eventually the skies cleared up enough for some fun in the outdoor pool. 

We have plans for tomorrow that I'm hoping will pan out.

As I was reading him a book before bed I completely lost it. I don't know what came over me and attempted to compose myself but couldn't. The tears would not stop. I don't know how I became so lucky to have brought such an amazing person into this world. His infancy, I took for granted and I regret that. All those sleepless nights filled with feedings, those days when nothing went right- I just wished they would be over so fast and they were, but along with everything else. It went by so fast and I wont get any of those moments back. I can close my eyes and see a small baby, so warm and sweet and trusting asleep in my arms and I open them and see a living room cluttered with cars and super heroes. Where have the last two years gone? If you are reading this and have a new born, or are expecting or are planning on becoming a parent please take this advice. Cherish it all. The constant feedings, the sleep training, the puke, the diaper blow outs. Everything that you think sucks, and as much as it does, don't wish it away so fast. Because it's going to be gone in the blink of an eye. 

I'm so proud of the Little Man that my baby has become. He's brave and curious and smart. He is going to do wonderful things in this world and leave it better than when he came into it. I just pray that I will get to see all of the amazing things to come in his life. 

Monday, July 23, 2012

fear. anger. jealousy. regret. terror.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.

Last month I felt a lump on my throat. Immediately I was concerned, emotional and scared. I went to my doctor, she did some blood work and reassured me it was probably just a cyst. All my blood work was great- I shouldn't be loosing sleep and stressing over it. I felt a little better after talking with her. I was praying a lot and finding comfort in my family and friends. My fears began to subside a bit. Then I received a call from my doctor, I needed to have an ultrasound done. They were concerned because the lump seemed to move and change size. I was beginning to get nervous again. I remember sitting in the waiting room hoping that the ultrasound would show nothing, it was just a bump. Nothing serious, nothing at all. During the ultrasound I asked the technician if he knew what it was. He didn't know, the ultrasound would be sent to a doctor to be reviewed.

It was 3 days before I got the call from a nurse. The lump was not a cyst, it was a nodule located on my thyroid. I needed to have a biopsy. I think it's obvious to everyone where my mind went... cancer.

So now I have to wait to have a biopsy... to find out what is going on. My fear is coming back. I look at my son and my stomach drops. Trying not to imagine all the things I could miss if the worse happens. First day of school, watching his sporting events, taking summer vacations, graduation. The small moments. Cuddling watching cartoons in the mornings, playing with his cars, listening to his laugh, watching his excitement grow knowing that something fun is about to happen. All these things I would miss. How would it affect him? What if this is the worse thing? What if I get sick and it drags on? What if he has to see that happen?

There are so many different feelings I have. It scares me the things I think about.

Jealousy. Jealousy that if this does take me away that my husband would remarry. Someone else could make him happier than I did. Someone else would raise my child. Would they be able to do more for him than I could? They would have all those special moments and times that I wanted. Would they miss me? Would my son forget about me? Would whoever takes my place help him to remember me? Would all my wishes for him happen? Will this person be sure my family will always be important and a large part of his life?

Anger. Anger that this is happening to me. There are so many horrible, terrible people in the world. Why would this happen to me and not them? I feel like I'm being punished.

Regret. All of the stupid things I've stressed over that weren't important. I wasted so much time on ridiculous things that meant nothing. They were not important. My family is important, life, being happy... these are what are important to me. I wasted so much time on things and not enough time on the important factors in my life. So this week I'm spending everyday making sure my son knows happiness. Before I get the results of the biopsy. Pure, innocent fun.

Maybe I'm over reacting. It's possible that what I have is nothing. But I'm not taking my chances of missing out on the opportunity of having fun with CJ. My Little Man. My reason for fighting.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Let go and break free

Somewhere in the world today someone lost someone they loved. Their world will never be the same, they are heart broken and inconsolable. I recently learned of a couple who lost their baby after delivering early. I can't even begin to fathom the pain they are feeling. After learning of this loss my mind went to my family. We don't know how long we are going to be graced with each other, with those we love. It could be tomorrow we are forced to say good-bye or it could be years from today. While I don't like to think about these types of things it really made me consider the things I have done, and will do today because tomorrow is not promised at all. Did I tell everyone that is special to me thank you for being in my life? Did I tell my friends that they have all impacted me in ways I can't even begin to describe? Did I sit with my dogs and just pet them and tell them they bring me joy? Have I called my parents and told them I love them and am grateful for everything they've done for me? Did I take an extra 5 or 10 minutes to just study my son's face? It changes everyday. Did I do something special with him because he wanted to? The answer is no, not today. And that answer breaks my heart. They say never give up and always strive for more. I believe these are great words to live by. But I also believe the lines have been blurred somewhere along the road. Never giving up is great until you are constantly stressed about something that it wears you to the bone and you've forgotten why you were reaching for that something to begin with. Why are we all so wired for stress? I see these people, they are so laid back and they could have the world falling apart under their feet and they are still smiling happy and care free. How do they do it? I'm envious. That is the type of person I want to be. It's who I strive to be. But then something happens and I begin to stress and worry, and then life happens. Cooking, cleaning, running errands. Then I'm exhausted by the end of the day. Then I lay in bed and think of all the things I should have done that day instead of worrying about making sure the laundry was done or making sure dinner was ready at a certain time. And then I promise myself the next day will be different. I will slow down, not let the stress of my life get to me and just enjoy the day. Then I wake up and have a million things going through my mind and rush around and forget all of those promises I had just made to myself. It's a pattern and I don't know how to break it. I think alot of people have this problem. Sometime's when I'm busy doing something Little Man will come up to me and say he wants to do something like go to the park. And I'll reply with "Not right now kiddo, Mommy's busy". To which he reply's "CJ go to park tomorrow?". So now I'm left to wonder how many time's I've promised him that tomorrow we will do something because today we are busy. What if we never got that tomorrow? Life happens too fast. We need to stop saying maybe tomorrow and start doing things now. Start enjoying our lives. Screw the dishes, screw the laundry, screw the bills for now. Screw the stress. Take a sick day when your not just to lay in bed with your spouse and talk. Take a road trip with your family. Enjoy the company of an old friend. Spend a day with your parents. Take your dog for a walk. Take the only 5 dollars you have to your name and let your kid spend it on candy. ENJOY LIFE. LET GO OF WHAT WE HAVE BEEN WIRED TO THINK WE NEED AND BREAK FREE FROM IT! Tomorrow may not come so let's stop being consumed by what the main stream is telling us. Bigger, better, faster. I say we need to realize how small we are in this huge world. I say we don't need better because we are already surviving on the best we have. I say screw the faster because I want to see things as they are happening, not buzzing by me so fast I didn't have a chance to check it out. Still go for your dreams and keep trying if you fail. Don't let it consume you though. And it's okay to want more but don't spend your whole life chasing after something just because someone told you it was what you are supposed to have. Do it because you want to. I am taking a personal pledge. To say screw you stress. Everything will be okay in the end. And if it's not, then it is not the end. Press on and be happy. I want to be that person who when the world begins to crumble at my feet I just get up and shuffle to a different spot with a smile on my face. I want all of my today's to be awesome. I know this will be a difficult thing to do, I have a habit of letting myself get caught up in the stress of a situation and then dwell on it. But from here out I'm going to try with all my might to stop. Because this could be our last today.

The new direction

In case you hadn't heard I've been working on another blog with on of my good friends. 2 Moms and a Blog focuses on DIY stuff, crafts, frugal living with kids etc. You can check out what we've been up to lately at I wanted to let you all know of the new direction 'Little Man and Me' is going to take. I started this blog back in 2010 as a creative outlet and a place for family and friends, or anyone interested for that matter, to keep up to date on us. I ended up sharing recipes crafts and even did a giveaway. 'Little Man and Me' will remain as an outlet to get things out, just write and share things about my family. I want to thank everyone who has been a reader of this blog. With lots of different post I've actually received emails from complete strangers offering words of strength, hope and thanks and it has been a great feeling to know that I've reached out to people. So please be sure to check out '2 Moms and a Blog' for all things crafty, DIY and frugal! And keep checking back here for updates on Little Man and Me!

Friday, June 8, 2012

In the mean time...

While Little Man and Me is on hiatus, be sure to check out another blog I've been working on with a great friend. 

2 Moms take on life, crafts, cooking, DIY tips and frugality all while remaining fabulous and kinda sane.

Here is a little of what we've got going on over there...

Find out how to make these incredibly easy and super fun stick airplanes

Follow our family summer adventures as we cruise through our 2012 summer bucket list!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

I'm still here!

I am going to start to redesign Little Man and Me in the coming weeks, so while I know it's been a while since the last post I wanted to officially note the blog will be on hiatus! 
I hope everyone is enjoying their families and summer so far, I know I have!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

taking a toll on me...

Stress is taking a huge toll on me. Stress, just plain stress. From every point it could possibly come from, it's coming at me. I can physically feel it in my body. As hard as I try to let it just roll off my back I feel like my brain is wired to continue to stress. I am fighting with myself daily trying to make the right decisions for my family. My heart and mind are fighting, my heart tells me one thing- and my mind another. 

I find most days while as I'm putting Little Man's dinner on the table that I have not ate at all that day. I just forget to do it. 

I hear people say, don't worry about tomorrow focus on today. Why can't I do this? These are words I TRY to live by. I don't want to constantly worry. But how can I not?

I want to go on vacation so badly with my family- to just get away for a couple of days. Have no worries. But the reality is that it's not going to happen. Then I feel guilty for being upset that we can't get away for a few days. People are struggling just to live and I am upset about not being able to take a vacation. Back to the stress. Am I not a good person? 

It's getting harder to enjoy the moment. Because I'm focusing on the next. This is not how I want to be. This is NOT how I want my son to grow up. 

Just had to get that out. 

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Stuff and more stuff about stuff.

I've been neglecting this blog. Big time. I am not sure why. I have tons to say, tons on my mind but some things I just don't know how to put into words. Other things I chose to keep private and some things I fear will be taken the wrong way. I've got to learn to get past the fear of how my thoughts and feelings will be perceived by my family and friends. Soon I hope to be able to do just that with this blog. Use it as an outlet to get things off my chest.

On another note, a late note we had a fun Valentine's day around here. Little Man was so happy to get a couple of new matchbox planes in his goody bag along with some cookies and a DVD. We had some fun with streamer that I had left over from some failed craft projects. It kept him busy for quite a while.

We decorated the windows in our dinning room with some wax hearts that were inspired by Pinterest.

and we decorated cookies.

I also decided to turn one of the walls in our kitchen into an art display for Little Man. I've been finding art canvas' on sale like crazy here lately and get them as often as I can. I'll give Little Man the canvas, some cotton balls or toy cars to paint with. I've even cut an apple in half and let him use that as a stamp. He loves to paint, and I love to watch him.

I even had a little fun with the paint too!

I do hope it wont be another month before I update again. But until then...

hugs from me and Little Man

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Growing up...

My Little Man is growing up so fast. Too fast. We toured a pre-school last week. Being the terrible Mom that I am, I secretly wished he would hate it... to give me another reason to wait to enroll him. But no, he settled right in and loved it.

Why must you keep getting older and more independent sweet Little Man? 

When he get's a boo-boo the hugs to make him feel better don't last as long. 3 seconds after holding him he says "CJ okay" and wiggles to get down. I guess I should rejoice in the fact that I have a growing healthy little boy, but I miss the days when he would stay curled up in my arms for an hour just because he wanted to.

But at the same time I'm enjoying the new things every day. Listening to him sing along to songs in the car. Point out different animals as he spots them, and his need to help do laundry. Then there is the constant changing of his mind. He wants the night light on... no he want's it off. No it has to be on. Turn it off now!!! I know this is just a stage, as annoying as it is in the moment of his indecisiveness I think back on the 40 minute debacle sometimes and laugh. Sometimes.

This growing up stuff is going by fast. I haven't done the best job with keeping up with CJ's journal I've kept since before he was born. Things happen so fast and at the end of the day it slips my mind to note something funny he did, or said. 

I guess I just wish there was a pause button in life, or rewind. I think all parents have this wish. At the same time, I can bet I'm not the only one who wishes for a fast forward for the tantrums though...