Monday, July 23, 2012

fear. anger. jealousy. regret. terror.

I have a biopsy scheduled for Friday.

Last month I felt a lump on my throat. Immediately I was concerned, emotional and scared. I went to my doctor, she did some blood work and reassured me it was probably just a cyst. All my blood work was great- I shouldn't be loosing sleep and stressing over it. I felt a little better after talking with her. I was praying a lot and finding comfort in my family and friends. My fears began to subside a bit. Then I received a call from my doctor, I needed to have an ultrasound done. They were concerned because the lump seemed to move and change size. I was beginning to get nervous again. I remember sitting in the waiting room hoping that the ultrasound would show nothing, it was just a bump. Nothing serious, nothing at all. During the ultrasound I asked the technician if he knew what it was. He didn't know, the ultrasound would be sent to a doctor to be reviewed.

It was 3 days before I got the call from a nurse. The lump was not a cyst, it was a nodule located on my thyroid. I needed to have a biopsy. I think it's obvious to everyone where my mind went... cancer.

So now I have to wait to have a biopsy... to find out what is going on. My fear is coming back. I look at my son and my stomach drops. Trying not to imagine all the things I could miss if the worse happens. First day of school, watching his sporting events, taking summer vacations, graduation. The small moments. Cuddling watching cartoons in the mornings, playing with his cars, listening to his laugh, watching his excitement grow knowing that something fun is about to happen. All these things I would miss. How would it affect him? What if this is the worse thing? What if I get sick and it drags on? What if he has to see that happen?

There are so many different feelings I have. It scares me the things I think about.

Jealousy. Jealousy that if this does take me away that my husband would remarry. Someone else could make him happier than I did. Someone else would raise my child. Would they be able to do more for him than I could? They would have all those special moments and times that I wanted. Would they miss me? Would my son forget about me? Would whoever takes my place help him to remember me? Would all my wishes for him happen? Will this person be sure my family will always be important and a large part of his life?

Anger. Anger that this is happening to me. There are so many horrible, terrible people in the world. Why would this happen to me and not them? I feel like I'm being punished.

Regret. All of the stupid things I've stressed over that weren't important. I wasted so much time on ridiculous things that meant nothing. They were not important. My family is important, life, being happy... these are what are important to me. I wasted so much time on things and not enough time on the important factors in my life. So this week I'm spending everyday making sure my son knows happiness. Before I get the results of the biopsy. Pure, innocent fun.

Maybe I'm over reacting. It's possible that what I have is nothing. But I'm not taking my chances of missing out on the opportunity of having fun with CJ. My Little Man. My reason for fighting.


  1. You are so inspiring and strong and you love him very much, whatever may happen, CJ will know that. We love you!

  2. I hope you guys a very fun week! You have a wonderful and very handsome reason to fight. I'll be thinking about you!

  3. Wow. How painfully honest. Thank you for sharing that.

  4. Wow. How painfully honest. Thank you for sharing that.

  5. I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers. It's amazing what a few words can do to make you think twice about everything. I absolutely HATE to think of not being able to be there for my child(ren). Such a scary thought, especially when they're so young. Much love to you, Miranda. Keep the faith :)